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Stay at Home Mom..?


For a couple of weeks I had told my husband I had a feeling I needed to be at home with our youngest son.  He is 3 years old, my brother and his wife were helping us babysit him while we were at work.  I kept getting a feeling, that I was going to be home soon.  That soon I was going to be a stay at home mom.  I would tell my sister, my mother and my husband for about a week.  As if God was preparing me or maybe telling me I needed to be at home and quit my job and slow down in life.  I mean I don't know exactly what he was saying, but I am pretty sure he was telling me to slow down...Okay he was telling me to sit down some where.  He had been telling me along with my family and friends.  See I kept getting sick, and weak.  I kept feeling the need to rest but did I rest?  We both know the answer to that... No, I did not.  I am a mom of 3 kids.  I am a super mom of 3 kids.  The mom that did the volunteering at church, and at school.  Took the kids to all the activities, did the extra activities at work, went out with her family and friends helped everybody that needed help.  Not because I wanted to look like super mom.  But because I felt like that is what I needed to do.  I needed to go the extra mile and when I got there I needed to add a mile, and a mile, and a mile and so on..... Until April 27th I was at work and I got a mini stroke.  It was very scary to have my kids see me that way.  To see them cry because mom could not get better.  Which then made me cry even more, because they were crying.  I then felt as if I had lost!!! I felt like I lost to everybody, everybody was right I needed to stop.  So I had to quit my job and all my activities.  My body shut down on me.  It has now been almost a month and  a half and I still cannot go for a walk.  The toughest battle is with yourself.  I have to fight with myself that it is okay.  I used to run 5 miles a day at the gym, some days I can't even walk up the stairs in my house with out falling.  I get upset and aggravated.   But as a mom I can't let my kids see all of it.  So that is my new challenge.  I have to adapt to my new body in a way for the kids to adapt to it with me and not be a harsh change either.  Thank God I am a stay at home mom, because that routine has kept me going.  Because dealing with the emotional changes, and the physical changes that some days I don't want to deal with.  But knowing that I have to get up and make breakfast, or we have to take a walk.  We have to go out and water the plants, etc.  It helps me deal with whatever I have going on that day and keep moving forward.  It also reminds me of how hard it is being home.  OMG!! I have not been a stay at home mom in some years, the first week I was like.  Why can't the house stay clean? I feel like I cooked 50 times today!?! Why am I doing laundry every day? But at this point I am just thankful I am at home with the kids.  It is a blessing.  So from the tragedy of my stroke came my blessing of becoming a stay at home mom.

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